begin at the beginning

begin at the beginning . . .

since my old myspace was hacked into and deleted by the ever so lovely person who managed the feat, my blogs (all!!!) along with pictures and messages i've been tirelessly saving has gone to hades. so, it is without a doubt, the greatest pleasure of my life (heh) to announce the beginning of a new thread of randomness from moi. oooh, this should be fun.

RANDOM THOUGHTS I

spring has sprung!!! : finally! dammit! that wasn't such a bad winter we just had, one major snow storm, a few chilly days/weeks here and there but not quite as bad as last year. maybe it was me, maybe it was a lot of waiting on my part that contributed to the agonizing slowness of each day last year. maybe it was the constant hoping or maybe it was that S and i broke up therefore plunging me into (what seemed to be) an endless void of nothingness.

in fact, the more i think about it, said void of nothingness started in april culminated around fall and finally cleared up in december. yeah, one can say (at least one privy to the goings on in my life) that last year, even on the hottest day of august, it felt like winter in my life. so maybe, most likely, the reason why i welcome the arrival of spring this time around more ebulliently than last year is because, well, it feels like HOPE. yeah, i said it, i said HOPE.

i know, i know, for a while there i was the biggest detractor of hoping, i believe my words were, "hoping sucks, hoping hurts worse than anything else because hoping usually ends with disappointment and disappointment adds to the pain of hoping for nothing."

oh how i take my words back. there's so much i've learned about myself in this short amount of time since spring has sprung.

example A: the tulips my dad planted around the mailbox finally grew in. beautiful, beautiful colors of pinks and reds and in betweens. tulips make me smile, they just have that effect on me. all flowers do, actually, but tulips more so than any others. i think tulips are resilient, once planted in soil, trust that even though you experience the harshest of winters, come spring, tulips will still grow. it's very much like a woman's heart, i thought, resilient in a way that even though it's been hurt over and over again, more and more, be assured that when the time comes she'll find it in her to forgive and to love again.

example B: my sister calls me over the other day, all excited, talking about the bird that keeps flying into the glass window of our house. it was the same bird she called me at work for, laughing because it was dumb enough to fly into the same damn spot on the same damn window over and over and over again. once, kathleen said, that she counted how many times it flew into the glass and it was a little over 30 times. and then she muttered, "poor, dumb bird."

for a minute there i stared at the poor dumb bird go back and forth betweent he tree and the window and i was like, "HOLY CRAP! I'M THE POOR, DUMB BIRD!!!"

yeah, i'm the poor, dumb bird, alyssa is kathleen and the window is MR. FISH!!!

i stood there, spatula in one hand, jaw hanging open and i kept repeating to myself, "poor, dumb bird, i'm the poor, dumb bird, i'm the . . . "

was that how alyssa saw me? with a mixture of pity and disgust? how could it have been, that such an incredibly strong, independent, forward thinking individual have become such a lame, pathetic, fool waiting for crumbs of something . . . anything . . . from a person who is incapable of giving it because (i'm sure of this!) he, himself is an emotional invalid who . . . who . . . who doesn't have any feelings towards me to return which is why HE IS the glass window.

the glass window i've been trying to (in vain, i assure you) to break into for the last god knows how long. i keep thinking, maybe if i say the right thing, make the right gesture, then maybe, just maybe, he'll realize how much i like him and then he'll like me back. and then some. no such luck. i've ran out of excuses to give, i've ran out of reasonable reasons why he hasn't, why he didn't or why he couldn't. there's too many whys that led me to inevitably conclude: he's just not that me.

there, alyssa, i've said it and i didn't even read the book. i was going to get to your way of thinking. sooner or later. this is funny, we've talked about this before, from my big fat greek wedding. you just had to make it seem like i came up with it. duh.

for the first time today, in months, i left the journal at home. while my hand itched to put it in my bag so i could write in it something funny, something poignant, something cute, something that would make me seem endearing, hell, something that would make him go, "hmmm . . . now this is someone i maybe want to fall inlove with," i didn't. i left it in my bed. when i got home, i took one look at it and i put it away.

whatever funny, poignant, endearing, cute, falling inlove worthy thing that i may have to say, i realized today, has to be reserved for someone who will cherish it and say, "hmmm . . . now this is someone i DEFINITELY WANT TO fall inlove with."

and you know what? not only do i wish and want to find THAT person, i hope it too. i do. as for the promise of another beautiful tomorrow that spring has brought, well, i welcome it with open arms.