i am uber glad i saw my irish wench, she's the only one who'll ever understand what i went through. sometimes, the details of the day, of the circumstance, of the event is lost in the hazy fog of my memories. her job is to remember for me, recall exactly what happened, help me confront it and help me get over it, if not that, then help me put it out of my mind again. at least until next time of the month.

she understands better than anyone else, and only with her do i feel comfortable talking about the nitty gritty of it, instead of what seems to be now, a rehearsed story i tell people who ask. all she has to do is look at me, and i see in her eyes that i'm not alone, that she'll always be there, no matter what. and goodness, that gives me more strength than anything else.

it's that time of the month again. nope, not THAT time of the month, but THE time of the month in march. honest to god it just creeps up on me, i don't even realize it, and i honestly thought it wouldn't be as bad as it was before but apparently i'm wrong. it has been seven years and sometimes i forget it because i become so wrapped up in my life or whoever it is that's part of my life at the moment, sometimes at my unluckiest moment, it just doesn't let me forget.

it totally helped i was in boston, it made acting up so much easier, going a little life crazy not quite as difficult. i enjoyed myself and i won't defend my actions anymore to myself (now that sanity has prevailed again!) or to anyone else. frankly, i don't think i ever enjoyed my life as much as i did when i was in boston. it's a novel experience, just able to do whatever i wanted without someone constantly looking over my back, reminding me i'm not to act that way, i'm to behave, i'm to be a certain way. i felt like i was being myself, only in a different way, a more selfish way actually. i wasn't worried that so and so is not having fun, this person is not dancing enough, that person doesn't have a drink, or that person is bored. hell, i've gone out surrounded by people i've been friends with for years and never have i felt so alone, to the point of wanting to weep but instead i sit in a corner bored out of my skull, itching to go home, flip open a book and fall asleep. i took chances this week, chances i wouldn't have otherwise taken if it wasn't THAT time of the month, and i have NO regrets!

NONE WHATSOEVER!

i behaved like a single, 25 year old, i went out, put myself out there instead of staying locked up in my hotel reading another book about adventure and love and life, i figured, why not me too? instead of just reading it, why not live it! so i didn't find love, but i found life and it feels so freakin amazing! i met a ton of people i wouldn't have if i stayed the mature, responsible, grown up kirstin. there's connor who is 18 months old, who apparently loved coldstone's strawberry bananza as much as i do, since he sidled up next to me and demanded sip after sip of my drink. he had the most beautiful blue eyes, like blue pebbles in a lake, shimmering under the sun. then there's pat, lady at the hotel bar who loves white russian, her husband was at mass gen for heart failure, she had a son who liked to couch surf and she even surfed with him. twice, in mexico. then there's curtis and his friends, canadians living in bermuda, we have an ongoing bet (complete with a signed contract!) over who will win the NL Division title, Mets vs. Phillies. the consequences for the loser will prove pricey, but i'm keeping the faith that i'll be spending a few days vacation in Bora-Bora come September, coz the phillies WILL WIN come september! then there's Philip, the irishman with a verrrrry french name as well as last name, he looked like hugh grant, was a lousy dancer but good lord when that boy smiled . . . oh, and Mike, or Mik, after one too many magners decided to profess his undying love for me, he put my hand over his right chest and said, "feel me heart luv, feel how it beats for ye . . . " then i reminded him that his heart is on the left side of his chest and not the right, so he turns to Philip and says, "see that lad, me woman, ain't she smart?"

i enjoyed myself and i have NO freakin regrets. NONE. it's not being stubborn or being hard headed, it's just living life and taking chances. i'd prefer to be alone, being myself, than being surrounded by people who will suffocate me, who will make me conform to what they believe is normal/proper behavior when out. okay, so maybe my taking chances has something (A LOT!) to do with march being when jay died. so, the chances i take are fueled/emboldened by the fact that i'm thumbing my nose at the Fates, daring them almost to keep me from living life. kinda like, "HEY! THIS IS ME, LOOK AT ME! I'M TAKING CHANCES, I'M DOING THINGS I DON'T NORMALLY DO, I'M DOING THINGS SOMEONE SMART LIKE ME SHOULD KNOW NOT TO DO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???" i should know better. i should know the fates have nothing to do with jay being gone, he wasn't doing anything particularly dangerous, he didn't die because of an accident, he died because he chose to. he chose to take the gun and he chose the pull the trigger, so maybe in the end, the joke's on me. funny enough, at this moment, i don't particularly care, i'm laughing along. for now.