it has to be me.

i don't think anyone is capable of this much idiocy as anyone else, certainly not the guy who made the mistake of sitting with me for dinner for four hours and trying (in vain, i tell ya!) to get me to come back to his room with him.

he was by all means, ABSOLUTE PERFECTION!

ABSOLUTE PERFECTION for all the wrong reasons.

i read somewhere once that summer is not summer without flings and such flings in order to be succesful has to be enjoyed by both parties and promptly forgotten.

oh dear god in heave, i wanted to, sooo bad. did i mention he was ABSOLUTE PERFECTION?

the way he looked at me made me want to melt in a puddle of goo, GOO i tell ya, GOO. he had these intense blue eyes and everytime he looked at me i knew exactly what he was thinking: me in bed, naked, in a tangle of sheets and limbs with him.

it's heady you know, being desired, and it's not even the just the sexual connotation of being a sex object it's totally MORE than that. it's the feeling of being wanted, of being desirable, of being pursued. i'm being repetitive, and i'm not making too much sense and i can't seem to capture the right words in my brain and put it into "paper."



he was exotic. i know, i know, i hate that word. exotic. i've been called exotic so many times throughout my life that i've come to absolutely detest the word. but him, even his name is exotic: Marciano. brazilian, but he didn't look brazilian, at least not the typical brazilian i've come to know. he was blond, with the most intense blue eyes EVER. everytime he looked at me, he had that secret smile on his face and i know, i just KNOW that he's imagining wicked things in his mind.

being wicked is hot.

i alternated between being tempted by him to well, not. we talked for four hours last night, we had dinner together, then we went our separate ways only to run into each other again as i was coming back to my room from downstairs checking my email. that was another two hours of conversation right there. he would have been the most perfect fling, we were both staying in the same hotel through the weekend, we're both single, both unattached and both desirious of well, each other.

what's the problem then???

and this my friends is when idiocy enters: i couldn't. i effin couldn't.

why? oh no, not for the most noble of reasons, not because i knew i was going to feel bad about myself the next day . . . not even for that. i couldn't do it because the whole four hours we were talking the only thing that was going through my brain was i would rather be talking to someone else. that i am dying, because i couldn't talk to the one person i wanted to talk to. oh, see??? i AM an idiot.

what have i gone and done? WHAT??? i think i fell. oh shit. shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit. i fell. i wasn't supposed to fall, at least not yet, or at the very least not with the person i fell for.

i mean, WHO DOES THAT?!?

honestly!

i can't do this. i can't fall for someone who's confused, for someone who's still inlove with another girl, and in fact the only thing preventing him for being with her is because he's scared that she may potentially hurt him again. i can't imagine being with someone who only has half a heart, because, i mean, he does. it's only half coz the other half is unsure. i'm a selfish bitch, i want all of it, i want the whole thing. and i don't think i'm ever going to be satisfied with only half, and that will be a bone of contention between us, i don't think i can live my life knowing/thinking/assuming i'm second best or that he settled. and OH HOLY CRAP! why am i even thinking/assuming he feels the same way???

seeeeeee, IDIOT!!!

i should have said YES to Marciano, a resounding YES, a screaming, orgasmic YESSSSSS.

except i didn't coz i'm an IDIOT (as if that needs to be established even more!), coz the whole time Marciano was talking, i was dying to check my email, i was itching to go back to my room and write something down, something funny that would be guaranteed to make him smile or something poignant that would make him think.

well, fuck.

actually, it should be, well i'm fucked.

LoVe~

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

May be God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right ones so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know to be grateful for that gift.

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out you still care for that person. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

The kind of friend is the kind you sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never assurance that they'll love you back!

Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. There are things you'd love to hear that you would never hear from the person whom you would like to hear them from, but don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his heart.

Never say good-bye if you still want to try-never give up if you still feel you can go on-never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go.

Love comes to those who still have hope although they've been disappointed-to those who still believe, although they've been betrayed, to those who still need to love, although they've been hurt before, and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for look's; they can decieve. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Hope you dream of that special someone. Dream what you want to dream; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

Always put yourself in others shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

in the interest of full disclosure . . .

i was thinking about this earlier, kinda like "buyer beware" tyoe of thing . . . c'est moi.

1. i will at some point probably make you cry. whether in frustration, overwhelming anger, sadness, or love, know this, i will make you cry.

2. i've been called stubborn, pig-headed, mulish at times, definitely hardheaded and will most likely want things to go the way i want.

3. and when things DON'T go the way I want them to, i will make you suffer.

4. i don't share my bed. i've never been able to sleep in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex and actually have a good night's rest. at least without the help of some sleeping medication.

5. i grind my teeth.

6. my feet are perpetually cold.

7. i steal the covers.

8. i don't like air conditioning. in fact, i detest it, give me an open window in the summer time, a ceiling fan, and i'm good.

9. i will bring you home to meet my family, a half dozen aunts and uncles who aren't really my aunts and uncles, and then my mother will proceed to fatten you up with dishes you can't A. pronounce, B. differentiate (they all seem to have either red or brown sauce), C. digest, D. for the life of you understand why people would enjoy eating them.

10. my friends, God love them all, will probably dislike you from the very beginning until you prove to them you won't: A. hurt me (until i hurt you first), B. make me cry (until i make you cry first), C. cheat, D. lie, E. prove you're an all around perfect boy for me.

11. my sisters won't talk to you when you first meet them, they'll look at you, smile hesitantly and run away. you may think you're off the hook coz it's not like they interviewed you, BUT, i will still find them later on and badger them to find out what they truly think of you and based on that i will see how far i want to take "us."

12. when we fight (rest assured, we will), i will hang up on you and it is your duty to call me back. BUT, not immediately, BUT, not the next day. it has to be within the hour, but not any sooner than half an hour later. coz that's usually when i've made the rounds calling my friends, irritated and mad and they've listened to me and heard me vent and proceeded to tell me i'm an idiot.

13. you must always apologize. even if it's my fault. i'm not good at apologizing but when you open the door to apologizing, it usually comes out of me and i'm properly apologetic.

14. i will debate you from sun up to sun down, i will mock your stance on EVERYTHING if they differ from my beliefs.

15. i will constantly change my mind. about EVERYTHING.

16. i will feel blue, i will feel sad, i will want to cry and when i tell you that i feel blue, sad and want to cry and you want to know what you can do to help i will say nothing. because, it's the truth, there's nothing you can do. i'm a girl. shit happens.

17. said shit usually happens once a month, for the duration of the whole week. when there's nothing right you can do, when there's nothing right you can say and i will probably look at you and say i hate you.

18. i am posessive more than i am jealous. although i don't know the big difference between the two, i just know i'm one and not the other.

I AM ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS.

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”